


The Meaning of a Gift

by OrmondSacker



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hinted Finnpoe, Hurt/Comfort, Injury Recovery, M/M, Not Canon Compliant, Past Abuse, Recovery, Trauma, not really - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-14
Updated: 2018-04-14
Packaged: 2019-04-22 21:51:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,065
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14317905
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OrmondSacker/pseuds/OrmondSacker
Summary: After waking from his injuries, Finn doesn't really know what to do with himself.





	The Meaning of a Gift

**Author's Note:**

> Not TLJ compatible, ask me if I care.
> 
> Completed on a prompt by esevik

Gingerly sitting down on the edge of the bunk in the cabin that the Resistance has assigned him on board the Raddus, Finn looks around the room.

It's small, only a few feet across each way. And sparse. Apart from the bunk there's a table, a chair and a set of drawers for clothes and that's it. But it's more than Finn has had of his own space in his entire life.

It makes him uncomfortable.

Not just the room but the thought behind it, that he intends to stay with them, that he's going to fight. He recalls every stare he got on his way here from medbay, all of them a mix of curiosity and admiration. Though he had given no outwards sign, they all made him cringe. They looked at him as if he was a hero and he didn't feel like one, not at all.

All he had wanted was to get Rey away from the First Order, that was it. That his goals and the Resistance's happen to coincide was lucky for both of them, but it didn't mean anything. Nothing at all. This is  _not_  his war.

Or so he tells himself.

The scar on his back gives off a sharp jab of pain, enough to make Finn grimace. 

Woken from the healing too soon because of the evacuation, before the bacta could finish its job, he had to heal the rest of it the old-fashioned way due to the limited resources available to the Resistance. It isn't really that bad, mostly it just itches a whole lot, but now and then there'll be a flash of pain through the wounds.

It will fade once they are fully healed, or so dr Kalonia had said when she gave him something to manage the pain earlier. Finn is very much looking forward to that.

He gets of the bed and walks to the chest of drawers where he put the bottle of painkillers. He picks it up and turns it over in his hands, studying it.

Part of him is hesitant to use it. In the First Order pain was something that they were taught to endure, unless so severe that it  _needed_  medical treatment. To complain for less was a sign of weakness.

But he isn't there anymore, he doesn't have to adhere to their standards. He doesn't have to adhere to  _anyone's_  standards.

Opening the bottle, he quickly swallows down two of the tablets with a defiant grimace, closing his eyes. His back doesn't really hurt at this moment, but one flare up usually means a few more close behind it. Hopefully this will stop them from happening.

The door buzzer interrupts his musings, making him start. Quickly, almost guiltily, heart racing in his chest, he drops the bottle back on the chest of drawers and turns around.

"Come in."

The door opens to reveal Poe, dressed casually in dark leather jacket and beige shirt, standing outside.

"Hi, is it alright if I come in?"

"Sure."

Poe steps in and the door closes behind him, leaving them alone in the room.

Finn shifts on his feet. 

Poe's gaze is probably the one that makes him the most uncomfortable. In his, the admiration is mixed with understanding and concern, and somehow Poe caring about him makes it all a lot harder.

"How are you feeling buddy?"

"Okay, I guess." 

Poe just looks at him, as if waiting for something more or knowing that there's something nagging Finn.

Finn lets out a deep huff. 

"I don't know what to  _do_."

Finally saying out loud what's been weighing on his mind, makes it feel like a great weight is lifted from his chest. It's not that he plans to join up, but he's not used to inactivity like this. He's ambulatory, which for all his life has meant that his days would be regimented with activities in one form or another.

And now there's just endless hours of freedom that he doesn't quite know how to fill.

"Buddy, until we make it to base there isn't a whole lot you can do here. And give yourself time to heal, make use of the activity lounges. Or nick some holonovels from the public collections, settle down here for a read. But let your body have some downtime to recover."

Finn shrugs, still thinking he should be doing something more constructive than that. The thought of just lounging about, doing as he pleases felt feels indolent in a way that is both uncomfortable and compelling at the same time.

But before he can say anything to Poe, Poe's face grows very serious.

"You gave us all a really bad scare. You gave  _me_  a bad scare."

Then Poe shakes himself and smiles again, though Finn can still see shadows of worry in his eyes along with something softer that he can't put a name to. It makes Finn feel awkward, not quite sure how he should respond, but it also makes him feel warm inside.

"By the way, I brought you something," Poe goes on.

It's only now that Finn realizes that Poe has been carrying something over one arm.

When Poe holds it up Finn recognizes it, the jacket Poe gave him.

"Here." Poe hands it over and Finn takes it cautiously, not quite sure what is going on. "I fixed the shoulder and the back. Not my best work, but I didn't have access to much in the way of supplies. In fact, I more or less had to stable it together. You won't win any fashion shows in it, but it's whole and functional again."

"You should keep it."

"No buddy, it's yours. I gave it to you, remember?"

"I do but-"

"But what?"

That's the problem. Finn isn't sure exactly what.

In the First Order, clothes that had been torn were discarded and replaced. He had accepted the shirt offered to him since his own had been destroyed. Though he had kept his pants, they were warmer and still functional.

The jacket he had thought ruined as well, along with the shirt, and the odd sense of loss he felt at that bewildered him, as does the tightness in his chest at seeing the mended jacket.

He knows he should feel none of these things, the bewilderment, the warmth and joy at Poe's actions, just at seeing him. It goes against all that he has been taught.

 _A dangerous weakness that needs to be eliminated_ , Phasma's chill voice echoes in his mind.

 _S_ _hut up_ , he snarls silently at it.

The thought is immediately accompanied by a pang of sheer panic, then an immense sense of relief as he forces himself to remember that she is gone now. And that he is gone from the First Order. They have no power over him anymore, they can no longer control his actions or his feelings.

"Finn?"

Blinking Finn looks back up at Poe.

"Buddy, are you okay? Looked like you spaced out for a bit there."

"Yes, I'm- I'm okay." He hugs the jacket tightly against his chest. The leather feels warm and supple. "Thank you."

"The least I could do. Put it on, let me see if it needs any adjustment."

Finn slips the jacket on.

The back feels a little stiffer than before, but it is nothing compared to the rigidity of Stormtrooper armor.

Poe circles around him.

"Looks okay. How does it feel?"

"Good. Fine. Like a hug."

Why did he say that? It sounded ridiculous the moment the words were out of his mouth, but they also felt true.

But Poe just claps a hand on his uninjured shoulder and smiles.

"Like a hug, eh?"

"Yeah. Warm and... comforting."

He shrugs, not sure how to explain further.

Poe puts his arm around Finn's shoulders and gives him a little squeeze, a smile playing on his lips.

"Like a hug?"

"Yes."

They're looking into each other's eyes and the air between them feels charged. Nervousness and excitement wars inside Finn. There's a softness in Poe's eyes and it melts something hard in Finn's chest that he hadn't realized till then had been frozen.

Then Poe looks away and the moment is lost, but the warmth lingers on in Finn's heart.

"So? Has anyone given you a tour of the ship? I know this isn't as big as the First Order ones, but still big enough to get lost if you don't know your way around."

"No, I-" Finn swallows, the rest of the sentence falling into silence. "No," he finishes.

"Come on then," Poe says, stepping towards the door.

Finn remains where he is, shifting uncomfortably on his feet.

Poe frowns when he sees Finn linger.

"No one here is going to bite you I promise. You're the big hero now."

Finn swallows again, his stomach clenching hard. He doesn't want to say this out loud, doesn't want to think about how Poe might be looking at him when the words are out, but he has to.

"That's the problem, I'm not. No, I'm  _not_  a hero Poe. And this... this isn't my war. I just left one army, I'm not looking to join another. I know you're not the First Order and I believe in what you fight for. But I can't join you."

There, it is said.

Finn looks everywhere but at Poe, unable to meet his eyes or look at his face.

He startled by Poe putting a hand on his arm.

"Buddy, no one is asking you to join. But it might be weeks before we can get to a place where we can go to ground, until then you're stuck here with us. And that's a long time to be stuck in a place where you don't know your way around."

Finn finds the courage to look back at Poe. Whatever it was he feared to see is nowhere in sight, instead he finds understanding and warmth. His chest suddenly feels very tight. He wants to say something, but he can't find the words to phrase how he feels.

Poe presses on, freeing him from the struggle.

"Not that we wouldn't be happy to have you. You're intelligent, capable, well trained. Okay, sorry. No recruitment speeches, I promise. What I'm trying to say is that we appreciate what you did for us and if you wanted to join up we'd have you in an instance, but the Resistance has always been strictly voluntary. And I'm babbling, aren't I? I'll stop now. The offer of a tour stands and the general would like to see you when you feel up to it. That's the other reason I'm here, apart from the jacket. To tell you that."

"We shouldn't keep her waiting then."

"No rush, buddy. This isn't an emergency. We have plenty of time for the tour first."

Finn blinks and takes a deep breath. The idea of letting a commanding officer wait is alien, and a little intimidating.

"Or not, if you'd rather avoid it."

Poe sounds a little odd when he says it, like it makes him sad but he doesn't want to own up to it.

"No, no. I... I would like a tour."

The thought of spending some time alone with Poe, as alone as they would be in public, makes that warmth from before come back.

"I really would," Finn emphasizes.

The smile Poe gives him brings a burst of joy to Finn's heart.

"Great! Let's start with the hangar, BB-8 wants to say hello too."

"He said hello to me plenty of times in medbay."

"Well, he wants to do it again. He likes you."

Finn chuckles.

"I like him too."

For a second it looks like Poe is going to say something, but then he just shakes his head and opens the door.

"Come on, we'll be starting from the bottom then, working our way up to the bridge."

Finn follows quietly along beside Poe, the pilot talking animatedly as they go.

This isn't his war and he doesn't intend to stay, but between the warmth of the jacket and the warmth in his chest every time he looks at Poe, Finn thinks getting to know this place and the people just a little bit might not be such a bad thing. No one is going to keep him any longer than he wants to stay.


End file.
